Alcohol Review: No good Long Island, no good bar

Sometimes you walk into a place and you know you will never be back there unless someone drags you.

For me, that place is Lumpy’s Downtown. I’m not a fan of giving bars, restaurants and pubs negative reviews. I usually go with people I love to hang out with and have a good time unless the food is seriously disgusting, the service ridiculously awful or the ambiance is simply bizarre. Lucky for Lumpy’s they strike out on all three.

Triple T, Ava and I arrived around 11 p.m. The owner was filming a commercial for his bar so the bouncer asked us to wait outside. The wait wasn’t long as the camera wasn’t ready and a PA let the bouncer know the kids could go inside.

Inside we were greeted by too loud hip hop and beautiful TVs showing the nights preseason NFL game. Lumpy’s is a sports bar with a dance floor (it’s what their website says) although no one was dancing to the sounds of crap blasting in the air. I’m always happy to hang in a sports bar. I like men tackling each other in tight pants as much as the next guy, but the TVs on the tables felt invasive like they were there to distract customers in case they didn’t like the other people at their table, which could be helpful given Lumpy’s clientele.

Our waitress was quick and courteous to serve us our first round of Cape Cods. The vodka cranberry cocktail was good-well mixed with just enough vodka and lime to taste. Next, we tried the watermelon kamikaze. Triple T pointed out it looked nothing like the one served at the bar she works at, but it still tasted yummy. The cocktail was a little sweet for my taste. It’s definitely on the list of dangerous cocktails you could drink and drink without ever tasting the alcohol. My next choice was the standard Long Island. It was terrible. There was tons of club soda, no coke and a lot of whiskey in the cocktail. The total bill was about $15 a little less than I would expect for three cocktails in Utah.

The Long Island was so terrible I have decided it is my baseline cocktail. If I can go to a bar and get a decent Long Island, then I will give the bar a second chance even if they are yelling, “Quiet on the set” while playing music so loudly you can’t hear the person across the table from you.

And if all that’s not enough, Lumpy’s is the kind of bar where everyone comes to get laid-I’m passing judgement based on the number of skanks and tool boxes I saw. That sounds rude, but no one wants to see your hooha when you bend over. And terrible one liners from films and TV will never be good no matter how young the woman you say it to is.

If you ever want to go out and have a good time with your friends, Lumpy’s isn’t the place. On the other hand, if you just want to go out, get smashed and get sexed up then Lumpy’s is the place.

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About kristamaesmith

I'm a writer based in Salt Lake City, Utah where I cheer for the Jazz, walk my dog, and spend too much money in local restaurants. I work in marketing for higher education and blog about food, travel, film, and whatever shiny moment catches my fancy.
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3 Responses to Alcohol Review: No good Long Island, no good bar

  1. Could not agree more, that place is way to MTV for me. Next time we're downtown I say we skip all of the "hip" places and go back over to Speakeasy.

  2. Lilian says:

    Ha ha I agree with you on Lumpy's but did you get a chance to go downstairs and kick some ass at the foose ball tables? I know thats wht I did last time I went there with some friends I showed them who ruled at the sport. . . ME!! lol

  3. Krista Smith says:

    Ava, great minds so think alike. I feel like a freak for not loving the cool places, but at least you agree the cool places suck. Sassy, sadly we didn't make it downstairs so maybe that had something to do with it. I'm so ready to take you on in fooseball!Thanks for the comments.

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