It doesn’t matter anymore.
I’m feeling frustrated and annoyed with a number of things today: work and their need to create drama and problems where there is none or there would be none if people would just speak in a clear and direct way about what needs to happen and what their expectations are. Instead they spend so much time just talking about other things that aren’t really related to the problem. Nothing ever gets fixed.
I can’t fix problems at home. I want to care enough to fight with this stupid thing called “distance,” but I don’t. I suppose if I were there I would care more. (I also suspect these problems never would’ve surfaced.) That’s something I’m not sure I like not caring about anymore.
I don’t know when it happened, but somewhere between the teaching, traveling and living I became quite apathetic.
Sometimes it’s nice. Like when I’m playing a card game and lose spectacularly. Prior to Korea, I would completely lose it. I was way too competitive for playing nice with others.
My new motto is “I don’t give a shit,” or so I say.
The trouble is this seems to be affecting other parts of my life. The big important parts like my relationships with other people. It’s not that I’ve stopped caring about other people, I’ve just stopped caring about putting forth the effort it takes to maintain relationships.
My laziness has reached epic proportions.
Lately I’m awesome about getting out there and working on my writing. I’m okay with preparing for school and having lessons ready. But when it comes to non-work related things, I pretty much call it quits.
I try to tell myself it’s because I’m working so much.
But the truth is I really don’t care if the laundry piles up on the floor or the dishes fill the sink. I’d rather focus on getting a job or writing something I can sale.
Now I feel like a selfish brat for admitting that sometimes I care more about writing than I care about the people around me. Not to mention, you’re probably wondering how I live with myself in such a small apartment with such minimal cleaning.
I hope writing this post will help me start caring again. Maybe I’ll come out of my shell and start to give a damn.
It just feels like so much work to care.